Dark Humor Contest: Lost
Where Are We?
Where am I..... like honestly what the hell is going on. Okay I know my name is Jennifer Tamlin... I know I'm an 18 year-old girl... I know I live (or lived) in Idaho, I know I had two sisters and my father left my mother after he walked in on her smoking meth with three guys... I know Priscilla doesn't talk to me anymore because of what Ronny told her... I know we were close to getting evicted from the landlord who looks like an elf but smells like coconut oil... I know my 1995 Volkswagen will never come out of the impound since I can't afford to get it out... I know we were almost out of food stamps that week... I know I was on the last episode of Lost when the man appeared in my window.... I know I ended up here right after that happened... I know my life was in shambles and I wanted to just lose myself in a fantasy world where everything is chocolates and daisies, but this is nothing like how I pictured it. I want to go home.
Like how, in all the rationality of this planet, did I end up in a forest from my room in a fraction of a second? Why is the gloom in the atmosphere darker than usual, and why is the man from my window hiding behind that tree? Maybe I should walk up to him and demand answers, this has either got to be an intensely vivid lucid dream which was pried out of the sinister vicinity of my subconscious that desires to be lost somewhere or the man who started walking away from me as I approached him right now is doing something to my head. Why is he giggling? Why can't I make out any facial features from him, or body features for that matter? Why did he just turn around to tell me, "I know where we are" before giggling and skipping off into the horizon? I want to go home.
Okay I looked at the ground I'm standing on, and I noticed that there seems to be an unusually eerie pattern with the twigs, leaves, shrubbery, and rocks? They are arranged in equilibrium, each rock I saw is exactly the same amount of length away from the next one. The same goes for everything on the ground. I looked at the trees, their ordinary evergreen and dark brown hues have been replaced with black and grey tints which gives off a sense of despair throughout the whole place. I looked closer at pieces of rotting wood hanging from the lowest branch of every single tree, and noticed there is a phrase carved on every single one. "This way", followed by an arrow pointing to a random direction, on every damn tree. I don't like the thought of getting lost anymore. I want to go home.
Okay, I'm going to walk north, where the man skipped off to. I'm going to try to find him so I can ask him where I am. I'm going to keep walking north, not altering my direction for any reason. I'm going to do this in order to keep myself from getting any more lost than I already am. This sucks. I want to go home.
I have been walking nonstop for what seems to be hours. Everything looks the same. My sanity is slowly being atrophied by the never-ending cornucopia of black and grey redwoods. I know they're redwoods because of their size. I keep seeing the man in the distance. Whenever he is in my range of sight I yell, "hey where am I?", only to get the same answer of, "I know where you are", followed by that giggle and skip. I don't know why I've ever contemplated getting lost for attention, now that I think about it the outcomes could have been very bad. I want to go home.
Im so tired. I'm so hungry. This forest literally had no end. Haven't encountered a living creature in my whole time in this place, save for the man who keeps avoiding me and repeating the same sentence every time I get near. The silence is unbearable. Not even the leaves or twigs crunch or crackle or even snap in this place. The only sounds I'm able to hear are my voice and the man's voice as well. Now that I think back to the times where I wanted to be left alone, somewhere far away where I was surrounded by no people, I realized how much I now regret ever thinking that. Oh how I want to be surrounded by people. I want to go home.
I miss my family. I miss my friends, well the tiny amount that I have anyways. I miss my cat. I miss lasagna. I miss my hair dryer. I miss that old lady outside my apartment complex who always brooms early in the morning. I miss the mailman dropping off what few letters and envelopes my family receive. I miss chocolate chip ice cream. I miss the sun. I miss water. I miss Dr. Pepper. I miss blankets. I miss the warmth of being with people, both physical and emotional. I want to go home, and I'm going to find that man and think of a way that he won't get away from my grasp. I need answers. I will get home.
"I know where we are."
There he is. You won't get away from me this time you son of a bitch.
I tried everything. I simply can't get close enough to him. It's impossible. I think it's been days, or weeks that I've chased this thing around this forever-expanding Redwood sanctuary. I give up, I don't think I'm ever going home. I'm just going to cry while laying on this tree until I even forget about my own existence.
I see something.
Movement. For the first time in days. I can only make out a shape, it looks like a person....
The man is walking towards the area I'm in, I don't know whether he knows I'm here or not, so I'm not going to shout or say anything until he's within a few feet from me at least. He's getting closer and closer, I should make a plan of attack already. Wait-
He knows where I am. He has no facial features whatsoever, yet I knew deep down inside that he knew my exact location. His head was faced towards my sobbing tree, and he was walking in the direction of my reach. His footsteps were majestically graceful. His trench coat smoothly hovering from the bottom due to the gusts of wind that come every now and then. The amber luminescence his body radiated assured me that he was more than human. I now know he is coming directly to me. He looks like wisdom incarnated. Like if he's seen everything. Knows everything. Then I realized it when he was about five feet away from me. He is the creator of our universe, our alpha and omega. He began to speak, I knew what he was going to say next was going to be knowledge no human has ever discovered, or even fathomed dwiscovering. I am truly blessed. I don't want to go home anymore.
"Uhhh hey, do you know how to get out of here? I'm a bit lost....hehe."